Each individual's or couples' needs are different at different stages of therapy, so what follows is not contextualized - this is the map, but the organic counselling process is the far richer and nuanced territory.
Whether working with couples or individuals, I also tend to see if you are open to me being transparent at times about why I'm doing what I'm doing. Taking care not to disrupt the emerging emotional experience or the flow of the session, I believe that transparency and understanding the reasoning behind a certain approach can be helpful knowledge outside of the counselling room.
With that caveat, here's a broad overview of what you can expect when working with me in a typical couple session:
Broadly:
• We're going to get to know it and slow it down.
• We're going to get to know each person's experience more.
• We're going to explore what's scary or unsettling when you're caught in the cycle.
• And we're going to help you exit the cycle and create a new dance of closeness and connection.
• We'll celebrate successes throughout the process - moments where you felt connected to your own experience and to the experience of your partner, and to each other.
• SESSIONS 1,2: The first session or two tends to be administrative pieces such as informed consent and confidentiality, agreements on e-mailing and transparency, rapport building, setting goals (both the couple goals where the couple is a team, and individualized goals that serve to shift each person's part in their presenting concerns). We may also cover fundamental educational pieces including attachment styles, emotional window of tolerance, emotion regulation strategies, and more.
• SESSIONS 3,4: An individual session with each partner gathers more individual family history, coping strategies, attachment strategies, and more, as it relates to the challenges faced in the relationship.
• SESSIONS 5: Understanding the cycle that gets you stuck.
• SESSIONS 7+: Present-moment work where we work with the cycle and take steps to understand what's going on within each person and between each person that is perpetuating the cycle; we soften the cycle; and we work together so that you and your partner can feel safe and comfortable to speak to each other in a way that leaves you both feeling heard, understood, and on the same team.
• We will assess by session 12 the strength of your emotional bond, and continue to soften the edges that keep you stuck.
Here's a broad overview of what you can expect when working with me in a typical individual session:
BEGINNING:
• I employ Feedback Informed Therapy to help us keep in mind your wellbeing week after week.
• Whichever is your preference, I may summarize previous material or return to something we touched on previously, or we may take your lead on a pressing issue.
• We may jointly decide to begin or conclude the session with a 5 minute meditation to connect to your inner experience, and exploring what came up for you.
MIDDLE:
• Throughout the process, I may use any number of approaches to get at the deeper issues both within yourself and between you and others.
• To help you connect more deeply with your own experience of living, we'll identify feelings and needs: what we want, what we long for, and what we yearn for.
• To help you connect with what others may think or feel, I may ask you to imagine the situation from their perspective given all you know about their life history.
• Emotion-focused: Slowing the process of a specific event and identifying the trigger event that gave rise to the emotion, labelling the emotion, identifying what sensations arise in the body, the meaning you make if the emotional experience, and the action tendency the emotion holds.
• Relational: In relationships, we can see ourselves as others see us. Thus, I may at times check in about your perceptions of our relationship and how you see yourself in our relationship, and we may explore your feelings and experiences of Self and of your relationships.
• Using the Change Triangle to move from Defenses, through Anxiety, to Core Emotion.
• Exploring the "positive intentions" of different aspects of your experience (every thought, emotion, urge, and body sensation has a purpose).
• Slowing down the process of a specific event to understand how underlying beliefs, attachment style, expectations, responses to an emotional experience.
• Exploring how you feel about what you're feeling.
• Exploring expectations of Self and the real or imagined expectations of Others.
• We become Pattern Detectives:
• Identifying trends: e.g. I regularly get anxious when I'm at work.
• Examining habitual thought processes, habitual emotional reactions, habitual coping strategies.
• Identifying what may have influenced these habitual ways of being and doing.
• Identifying the relationships between patterned events, thoughts, emotions, behaviours.
• Identifying our "model of self," "model of others," "model of relationships."
• Identifying assumptions, beliefs, and values that support the status quo, and support a different way of doing things. E.g. "My career is my most important piece of my identity," and what that belief does for our thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.
• I may take us down your particular thought process to understand what it means for you at a deeper level. E.g., "What does it mean for you if what you are thinking becomes reality?"
END:
• Session summary - a reflection on what occurred in session.
• I employ Feedback Informed Therapy to do a temperature check of our relationship, to assess whether you feel heard and understood and are talking about what you want to talk about, and to find out if there is anything we need to do to make therapy more effective.